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| The First Action Hero |
Calgary Sun-Stephen Lautens
Calgary-3/5/2004-
Some say the Conservative leadership race is about ideas.
Others say it's about picking someone who can lead them to victory. I say it's about making sure the new leader would look good as an action figure.
My friend Rob routinely comes up with all kinds of oddball gifts for me, whether it's a bottle of Three Stooges brand beer or a wind-up tin robot from my favourite TV show. A few weeks ago he outdid himself. He presented me with an action figure.
Not any old action figure mind you -- it's an action figure of Sir John A. Macdonald, Canada's first prime minister. The plastic PM is made by a company in Quebec that hopes to create a whole line of Canadian prime minister action figures.
My little Sir John (it's not a euphemism -- I'm still talking about the action figure) comes with his own table as an accessory.
Presumably, this is to lean against during long debates, especially after having spent the whole night wrestling with the honourable member for Beefeater-Gordons-Tanqueray. I'm surprised he didn't come with a little bottle of gin for added authenticity.
The Sir John A. Macdonald action figure does come with a helpful little booklet for budding Canadian historians. It describes the flagrant corruption of the Pacific Scandal that forced Macdonald to resign in 1873 as a "dispute" about a railway, and Louis Riel as someone he "didn't get along with very well."
I suppose, in Canadian politics, hanging someone qualifies as not getting along.
I wonder what other Canadian political action figures might be in the works. Maybe you'll eventually be able to get the Paul Martin action figure. Like the prime minister's job, you could wait for the Paul Martin doll for years and years, but once you get it you'd find out it really isn't that great. Plus the only accessory it comes with is all of Jean Chretien's baggage.
Quebec separatists should get their own action figure with their own super powers. For example, the Lucien Bouchard doll would have the power to cash federal government cheques in a single bound. He would also have the super ability to find humiliation in any situation.
A Diefenbaker doll could have realistic jowl action and come with a half dozen knives his friends could stick in his back.
The Joe Clark prime minister action figure, like the Kim Campbell and John Turner, would be limited editions and only on the shelves for a few months.
I expect there will eventually also be a Trudeau doll complete with floppy hat, cape and realistic finger flipping action. He could come with optional halo or horns, depending on your own political views.
For some reason, the phrase "action figure" doesn't come to mind when I think of Stephen Harper. I'd be afraid the doll would have more charisma than the real thing. And while I know Tony Clement personally and think he'd make a great leader, I just can't see him plastic and eight inches tall.
That leaves Belinda. No matter how you think she'd do as leader, you've got to admit she'd make a great action figure. Of course, she'd come with a bunch of little plastic handlers and a wardrobe no one else could afford.
Knowing you could be immortalized as an action figure puts the current Conservative Party leadership race in a whole new perspective.
Not only do you have to look good in Parliament, now you also have to look good on the shelf next to the Barbies and GI Joes. |
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